I have experienced quite a bit of flack from my mother, ex-boyfriend, and most of my friends in Virginia. Especially lately, because I returned home to visit after four months of living in 'that webcam house'.
Mostly, they disagree with my choice. Because they believe it would be uncomfortable for them, their logic dictates that there is something 'needy' in me. Why else would anyone want to live in a house with twenty three cameras?
Kelly said she is over being defensive about it. So am I. The reasoning for my move into the real house had almost nothing to do with the cameras, and everything to do with the atmosphere (okay, goddamit...vibe) that is prevalent there, and the people that create and maintain it, despite numerous obstacles. To them, my gratitude is immense, and not able to be defined or constrained by the written word. So I won't even try.
The 'almost nothing to do with the cameras' statement is exactly that: almost. The cameras are an added bonus. Yes, a plus in my book. I have been innundated with so much joy, trust, repspect, and pride in that environment that it makes me genuinely happy to know that anyone can peek in on my life, and maybe catch a glimpse of freedom in the making. But hey, that's just my perception yes? It's possible (even confirmed in some cases) that they will be horrified, or repulsed at what they see. Maybe they will say I am a glory hound, an extremely insecure woman-child in constant need of attention, be it physical or digital. And, to each their own, for in their own minds, they are correct.
Then, I get an e-mail from someone I have never met, and they tell me that I inspire them by simply endevouring to be myself. To revel in myself (different from self absorption; I only mean to accept and love all one's eccentricities, what makes them unique), and make no apologies for it. If it weren't for the cameras, that never would have been possible. Therein lies the crux of the plus.
The cameras are indifferent, like a mirror... silent witnesses transcribing offhand moments: my transversing the path away from the Valley of Meek, or Kelly's glowing smile of accomplishment after fleshing out the beginnings of a screenplay; it could be John's innocent delight in surveying his garden, or the way he strokes Marie's hair as they are drifting off to sleep. Sometimes it's Marie making coffee, topless and radiant in the morning glow of sunshine, or Ashlee twirling poi with ethereal, fairy like motions. There's Leilani singing clear and confident to the radio, buck naked except for the gloves she puts on to clean the bathroom... or Bobo in school mode, typing away with abject seriousness at 3:00 AM; music from his headphones so loud that you can hear echoes of it on the audio feed from the camera. Full circle you see... back to the cameras. These moments inspired me when I witnessed them online before I ever moved into the house. Live, learn and love, trasmitted in a medium for all to accept or condemn, and sometimes, embrace offline as well as on.
To summarize (finally), I want to shout it from the rooftops and mountains: I love my life. Victims, never... Participants, always.
3:46 a.m. - 2001-06-08
Recent entries:
cliffhanger - 2005-11-12
Mary - 2005-02-08
Border - 2004-07-26
Propaganda - 2004-02-20
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