...t-minus nine hours and counting... and all i can seem to think is *what the fuck am i doing*? this, too, shall pass... actually, i can't seem to think about anything at all. i keep crying, and it's so futile, because i just can't seem to make the damn clock stop. there's not enough time; i didn't do three fourths of the things i wanted to here. it seems like the incessant subtraction of the minutes on the computer screen is some perverse form of chinese water torture. it doesn't deprive me of my sanity, it just relieves me of my joie de la vie.
call it drama. i just think i am stuck in some sort of strange labotomized stasis. nothing is radiant, nothing repulsive. no restless thought train waking me up in the middle of the night to barell towards my word perfect screen. there's just... nothing important, really. at all. that goes for people, evernts, places, choices... past and/or future. there is no point in being opinionated, or vibrant, or passionate. it's frivolity, really. all i have to do is stick to my plan. it's the mantra scribbled onto the chalkboard in the back of my mind. the rest is negligible, sidetracks you, and causes unecessary strife when you inevitably abandon it.
everything is mundane. if i hunt down the lushest jungle in rangoon at dusk, or the most deserted, crumbling mosque at midnight in tel aviv... or even the lowest point of the badlands at high noon, then maybe i would be touched. but fuck everything else until then.
funny i can write this to you. not sure what you'll think. but... oddly enough... don't really care. it's a freedom, actually. you give a shit about something, and it binds you to it, pretty much across the board.
okay. enough. perhaps i'll apologize for this blather at a later occasion. but, then again, perhaps not.
i do still feel moment to moment... even if what is coursing through my veins right now is apathy. no more tears. no more fear. no more anything. fill my void, sweet sunrise of mine.
--s.
6:20 p.m. - 2001-07-18
Recent entries:
cliffhanger - 2005-11-12
Mary - 2005-02-08
Border - 2004-07-26
Propaganda - 2004-02-20
Lifer - 2003-12-05
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