6:35 p.m. - 2004-02-20
Propaganda
Attention, Noble Constituents of the Christian Right:
Do you believe your right to pass restrictive legislature based solely on scripture no-no�s has been violated? Do you feel like the media portrays you in an unfair, bible (t)humping light? Has your ability to spread the Good News been limited to the dinner table or your weekly NA meetings? Are you appalled at the alarming amount of Satanists portraying themselves as State Supreme Court Justices as of late? JUDASS feels you, good Caucasian Sheep of Suburbia. We understand that the only true Americans are republican, god-fearing, and above all, heavily armed. Just like the Good Shepard himself.
Who We Are: JUDASS (Jesus� Unrelenting Distorters of Accepted Standards of Scripture) is an ancient organization that can trace their roots back to the days following the actual crucifixion. Spanish Inquisition? We were there. Ditto for the Crusades, the Salem Witch trials, and the Holocaust. We have a hefty resume, and we assure you: should you decide to officially join our ranks, you would be adding your endorsements to an establishment with a prestigious line of just, virtuous, and patriotic endeavors.
Our Manifesto: We believe that Jesus was an upstanding, blue-eyed, tax-paying citizen, who never would have:
-- had the temerity to mouth off to His elders
-- gotten laid (and if He had, He would feel mighty guilty about it, especially if there was any sort of scat and/or watersport-like behavior occurring).
-- put up with the moral decay of a society that allows even one second of nipple-viewing at the Superbowl to go unpunished.
All of His teachings are meant to be taken literally (quite unlike that heathen Aesop, or Gandhi, for that matter). We aspire to be just like the Christ, enduring modern day hellish torments: the marriage movement for AIDS-infested ass-bandits, or nationally publicized discussions about how bombing all camel-jockeys into righteous submission may not be the appropriate course of action. The reward, of course, will be Right-Wing Christian Heaven� which, as all JUDASS members concur, contains a number of virgins far beyond seventy.
We offer:
Security- The knowledge that, if you wish, you can surround yourself with similarly like-minded people, and never have to break free of your comforting conservative cocoon. JUDASS can provide you with a list of communities (even whole states, if you decide to relocate to the Midwest) where you can enjoy the mental posturing of men and exquisite pot-roast offerings of women whenever you so desire.
Militia- What�s the point of owning a semi-automatic if you never put it to use? Targets include beer cans, small game, effigies of many sin-worshipping, historically prominent liberal figures (such as Bill Clinton, Franklin Roosevelt, and our favorite, Ben Franklin), and the occasional abortion clinic or Apu-helmed convenience store.
Freedom Shop- JUDASS provides you with information on how best to spend your hard-earned American money: a directory of companies that do test on animals (in order to provide your family with that extra assurance only the swollen eyes of our furry friends can give). We also furnish you with refreshers on any products that have ties to Fr*nce (wine, most popular impressionist prints, even a thorough compilation of schools that still offer Fr*nch as part of their language curriculum). And of course, online capitalism: conservative book clubs, Ann Coulter�s gift page (wives and dutiful daughters love this one), and cyber stores devoted to peddling the patriotic wares of folks who know that not only was Jesus free from sin, He was also an American (at heart, anyway).
To join: In the grand tradition of the Freemasons, a JUDASS member must invite you. We have no official (publicly accessible) buildings or websites bearing our name. Rest assured, though: we are everywhere, and in numbers larger than you might imagine. Should you become a member, you will be provided with a laminated card complete with bar code, detailed maps and business hours of many �targets� (see: militia) in your own neighborhood, and a basic commission semi-automatic.
Seek out the individual who provided you with this pamphlet. Get ready to immerse yourself in the worthiest of causes: eliminating the terrorist threat in your own backyard (and pilfering many guilt-free slurpees for the kiddies when the deed is done). Join us, and be part of the best kind of history: massacres with capital letters in their names.
JUDASS: We know what Jesus would do... And we have the firepower to see it through.
