I am not happy with the world today. Specifically, I am not happy with myself. Here is my biggest secret:
I don't believe in anything.
I don't have a cause... because all the things I have most cherished in this world have crumbled. This means one of two things, neither of which are pleasant:
1) I consistently invest my time in activities I know will fail me, so that I can remain protected, safe in the knowledge that I was correct in my view of the world all along. What a fucking cop-out.
2) Or, nothing is stable. Sooner or later... ashes, ashes, we all fall down. People will always fail themselves, and others. It's human nature. I can forgive a person. I can help them back up. But it doesn't bode well for my driving need to have something to fight for; something to saturate my spirit when there is nothing else. Something to supply me with faith, hope and love, when my stash has all been packed and smoked.
I have no faith. For whatever reason, it has yet to manifest itself in me.
I want so badly to connect with something. Trust it implicitly, defend it rabidly, close my eyes and throw myself to the four winds... all the while knowing my saftey is assured; I champion a worthy cause, and it will see me through.
I think perhaps I just have to play the waiting game. And trust in one concept, at least: I will find something, someday. Or, it will find me.
2:09 p.m. - 2001-05-15
Recent entries:
cliffhanger - 2005-11-12
Mary - 2005-02-08
Border - 2004-07-26
Propaganda - 2004-02-20
Lifer - 2003-12-05
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