The following is a journal entry I wrote on the eighteenth of March. I wanted to put it in here in honor of Father's Day. I spent much time contemplating this year... I wish I could speak to my father again. I wish I could remeber the sound, the exact timbre, of his voice.
This is for you, Dad.
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March 18th, 2001
Ow.
Damn Joshua Tree boulders. My thighs are aching from the climb. But truly, what a view. For a little while, I was nothing more signifigant that a little piece of organic matter, perched on a slab of earth that was probably old when the human species was just beginning it's evolutionary meanderings away from the apes.
It was comforting, humbling, and most splendidly...quiet.
I sat around and decided I'd better do some deep thinking, whilst in the midst of the complex simplicity that is nature. And this is what I came up with:
Try as I might, I can't find a 'greater meaning' to life. I see the cycle, the continuity that is thickly woven throughout nature, and humanity, as a whole. But for an individual (such as myself, or anyone that takes the time to read this), I have a sneaking suspicion that this is it. This is the only life in which we retain individuality in any sense, and hence, the only chance to do something that matters. I am not completely sure about this, of course... but logic seems to dictate (no matter how much I want to believe otherwise) that anything else is wishful thinking.
So I am a little bit annoyed with myself. I don't feel like I am doing anything with my life.
Besides thinking about how I should be, that is.
In other news... It was my father's birthday on the sixteenth. Another topic worth contemplating while I lay on my boulder bed, unable to sleep due to the wicked wind chill, and gazing up at the ceiling speckled with the nightime canopy of stars. If only they made wallpaper like that. But I digress, as per the usual. Here are my thoughts on my father:
I don't hate him. I don't really know him. I am not sure that I want him in my life ever again. This is an improvement, actually... for a long time, I was positive I never wanted to see him again.
But Dad... even though you won't ever read this, I just wish you could know:
-I wish I had been a better daughter.
-I wish you had been a better father.
-I can count the times, when we were still speaking, that you said 'I love you' to me easily on one hand.
-I don't think I will ever trust you again.
-I wish that I hated you.
-I wish that I loved you.
-I want the chance to know you.
Above all, though... and I know there are things between us that will never be placed on any list..
-I forgive you.
Happy birthday, Dad.
Baby's black balloon makes her fly
I almost fell into that hole in your life
You're not thinking 'bout tomorrow
'Cause you were the same as me
But on your knees
A thousand other boys could never reach you
How could I have been the one?
I saw the world spin beneath you
And scatter like ice from the spoon
That was your world
Comin' down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder
Or are you someone's prayer
You know the lies they always told you
And the love you never knew
What's the things they never showed you
That swallow the light from the sun
Inside your room, yeah
Comin' down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder
Always someone there
And there's no time left for losin'
And you stand there fallin'...
Comin' down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder
All because I'm
Comin' down the years turn over
And angels fall without you there
And I'll go on now and lead you home and
All because I'm..all because I'm
I'll become, what you became to me...
10:56 p.m. - 2001-06-18
Recent entries:
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