Holy shit. I leave for VA in less than a week. I am scared. What if I haven't changed? What if I have changed too much?
Will I fall back into the same old meek patterns? A part of me is thinking it's unavoidable. For most of my life, that's how I have reacted to the fact that society at large seemed to sense my 'differentness'. I have been trying to kick the habit as of late; it's like I am being let out of rehab, and sent back into the day to day.
When I was a child, our class used to take regular trips to the Planetarium. After sitting in that dark, wonderous wold of shooting stars and supernovas, it was difficult to walk back outside into the glaring sunlight that had been keeping it's vigil indifferently that whole day. And the cycle begins again: the sunrise is inevitable... The Planetarium was a choice, or an adventure.
The sunlight of my previous existence is a world that hasn't changed, and one that is split into two factions: fearing I have gone off the deep end, or expecting me to continue along as I have been: in silent self-depreciation.
Will I rally and tell my old managers exactly what I think the next time they give me shit for my fashion excesses and my permenant fixture of a novel to my palm? Will I calmly face my mother's disgust for the life I lead (especially the house I lead it in) with respect, for both her and myself? Will I actually have dinner with my father? Can I see him, look him straight in the eye, and say, 'Dad, I am proud of who I am.'?
Yes, well... time will tell. This time around, I am on the verge of putting complete faith in myself. Perhaps that is the scariest thing of all.
3:05 a.m. - 2001-05-13
Recent entries:
cliffhanger - 2005-11-12
Mary - 2005-02-08
Border - 2004-07-26
Propaganda - 2004-02-20
Lifer - 2003-12-05
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
dlove
barbylon
cockywrds
dearcynthia
brotherjacob
nevarren
girlhero
thenshesaid
trythisfix
tomfoolery
trhdes
queenkelly
epiphany
trillion