I was thinking today about all the things I have left undone.
Not the things I haven't done; that requires a bit of interference from a chronology of sorts... one that hasn't hit me yet.
I mean, the things I had the chance to do, and fucked up somehow. Let slide. Purposefully sabotaged. The moments that make or break friendships fraying thin, the situations I chose to let fester, or any time I have let my anger and pettiness belittle my own sense of self.
It all boils down to regret. And in some cases, too little, too late.
One of the most uplifting things I have seen come from the events on Tuesday, besides the unsung hero emerging from the common man, is the reconciliation factor.
I was on the verge of breaking off a friendship for trivial reasons Monday night. Come Tuesday morning, one of the first things she did was call me, to see if I was alright. One of the first things I did was delete a bunch of hurtful journal posts when I arrived home.
What does matter in the grand scheme of things? I have seen people all over our country put aside their differences (be it partisan, personal, or proletarian) in the name of a more lofty ideal: compassion for humanity on the whole.
What matters to me is this: that everyone I am grateful to knows it. That everyone I love knows it. That I remain accountable for every action I commit to, be it positive or negative. That I commit to every action I believe in. That I always live up to the ideals I hold others to.
I am glad for the chance to apologize to my friend. I am humbled that she thought to try to reach me, over and over, until the phone lines would work. I am amazed that it takes a tragedy of massive proportions for all people to feel somewhat connected. When I look into a stranger's eyes at the grocery store, or the gas station, I sense all the identical unspokens. And that is a comfort.
What hurts me now, more than ever, is the fact that I can share so much with a stranger, and still feel so alientated from a few people I once called friends. And when it comes to them, the unspokens of the past overshadow the present.
I have had very little experience with death. But this one has taught me scores of lessons. The one I choose to cherish above all:
Experience life. From this point on, I refuse to take it for granted. I refuse to leave it undone.
4:52 a.m. - 2001-09-16
Recent entries:
cliffhanger - 2005-11-12
Mary - 2005-02-08
Border - 2004-07-26
Propaganda - 2004-02-20
Lifer - 2003-12-05
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