4:27 a.m. - 2001-10-07
Because
So it�s loud in here, and I am not sure I hear him right. But I think he says he can�t sleep at night. He says he won�t until he knows the meaning of forever. I tell him to lay off the Discovery Channel. That�s the problem with TV specials detailing the immensity of the universe, pretty much every book of the bible, and a movie like What Dreams May Come. If your primary sources include the written word or an electronic box redolent with spliced razor sharp images, you won�t find the Divine Mystery, or Truth. You will find man�s attempts to title it as such.
The meaning of forever. What a crock of shit. Forever is an electron. Forever is matter that is neither created nor destroyed. And people� I hate to disappoint you, but that�s as far as it goes. At least, that�s as far as the human mind has the capability, intellectually speaking, to state with certainty.
For the rest, all of the dogma and doctrine and divinity, you must be equipped with a quaint little notion usually referred to as faith. Love is the only time I have fallen prey to such a malady. I just knew. Not why, or how, or any other lovely adverb pragmatists always have poised on the tips of their tongues. It was just simply because.
I miss being in it. I miss the certainty of it. It�s implied constant. But that was another lifetime, forking off in my neural patterns towards the area clearly marked: �past�. This is the present. And in terms of the future, sometimes I wonder if I got (chose) the short end of the stick.
But love isn�t anywhere near this bar, and this guy is telling me about his insomnia. Someone else mentions the plane bombings, and the conversation is flitting around death and life and heroes and cowards and what the hell should we do now? Time for another drink; more talk about liberals and military and conservatives and the president reading woodenly off of his cue cards. I think about heading home.
Two nights later, I am still recalling the reasoning for the barman's sleepless nights. And now, goddamnit if I can�t sleep. Forever is inescapable. It�s the universe on a constant re-run. And there is no rhyme or reason to it save the brutal simplicity of evolution.
I don�t have faith. And I suppose I can�t miss it, because I never fell into cahoots with such a sensation permanently. A few one night stands here and there, but we still wake up the next morning strangers. I miss love, right about now.
Love is the best night�s sleep a person can hope for. If they don�t comprehend forever, that is.
