I was standing in front of the mirror today, for quite a while. I'd say twenty minutes, at least.
First, I took a look at the surface value. Green eyes, reddish brown hair that is in sore need of a trim. Crooked nose, curvy lips. Too long chin. All in all... something I have learned to live with, even learned to like.
Then I did something I haven't done in years. My mirror trick.
I realized, early on, that I have what is politely referred to as 'an expresive face'. The thoughts and emotions (however fleeting or lighthearted) that filter through me on a daily basis are instantly transfered from a seratonin boost/drop into an arched eyebrow, a rueful grimace, a twitch of the nose. Most of the time, I don't even notice it. But if you know me well, and want to know what my gut reaction to a circumstance might be, just mention it. And watch my face.
I have given up trying to stifle it. And the first day someone mentioned it to me, I denied it. I like to fancy my coutnenace as one posessing poker, and not much else... like most everyone does, I suspect.
That evening, when I arrived home, I decided to find out for myself.
I went into the bathroom, with the harshest, most true light I could find, and studied myself. First the surface areas, like I have already mentioned. Then, I tried something. I thought of my father. Instantly, my face flinched, though subtle. I looked into my eyes, and noticed a hollowness. Well, goddamn, I thought. He was right.
I rifled through various thoughts that evening; at first, to test the validity and endurance of this new theory. Then, it evolved into a type of bullshit radar. For instance, I would tell myself that it didn't matter what so and so thought, or that I didn't care if so and so were to rot in hell. But, the minute I thought such things, some expression would reflect back towards me, and that smile, frown, or even fleeting look of pain would tell me something more important than any grandiose posturing I could muster: the truth.
Recently, I told someone to take a look in the fucking mirror. Later, I was told the same thing myself. I don't believe it to be coincidental. So I headed to the bathroom.
I learned what I needed to know. Reguardless of what others think of me, I know my own shortcomings. I know what a fraud I truly am, when it comes to certain topics. And really... I know that, in the end, it is inconsequential. I am beautiful. I am righteous. I am full of shit. I am all of these things, and more.
You can see it in my face.
3:23 p.m. - 2001-08-02
Recent entries:
cliffhanger - 2005-11-12
Mary - 2005-02-08
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Propaganda - 2004-02-20
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